Date:	2005-04-10 19:42
Subject:	Everything comes to those who wait
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

Amazing. After so many months of not being able to update, and then just forgetting about the journal. i find myself thinking about putting my paper diary online again.

I have a new job - i start next month. a job i have been wishing for for almost 4 years. and the oppotunity of going over seas to the UK. I spent 10 days there, and have never felt so at ease with myself and my surrondings. I crave it every day. i figured out alot about myself. the world all falls into perspective when u have climbed to the top of St Paul's catherdral, and have been on the london eye. The place makes you want to be more, makes you feel like you are able to break your boundaries. I fell in love with the people, the places, the monuments. everywhere i walked there was a statue or a memorial. the country remebers its' greats and its' lost. it brings together so many cultures, so many people.

I had lost myself. and i found it in the green fields of england. the past year has been taxing on me, and i think i was eating myself up over my mistakes and my failures, over there i came to peace with my past, my past relationships, my past failures, and i relaised what i needed in my life for me to stop the destruction that i cause to myself and others. since i have been back, evey one comments on how different i am, how secure i am, and how i have become a nicer person: which for me is very pleasing. some times when you stop tryign, things happen... good things.

i have started to dream in my sleep again. started to get back my empathy, started to feel myself again. i lost so much thru my own actions, and i tried so hard to fix it but in all the wrong ways. now, i see the mistakes, and i know the answers.

I hope every one is well this year. i hope your dreams are coming true, and i hope your lives are filled with the love and friendship i think we all deserve.

Date:	2004-10-11 22:09
Subject:	*ow*
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

Morning old friend.

I got my first blood nose at sparring class yesterday - one of the guys hit a little to hard and then i didn't bloick so pow! a good knock on the nose. I didn't cry :) - i am still very spre and bruised from last night but i think i am getting a little better. Gym was good yesterday - i only did chest tho - so today i think we'll finish off upper body. I dont want to do lower body cause of my knees still hurtign a little.

Yesterday was a rough day work and emotionally. Work is not goign as well as i would have hoped but naomi and i did get eamon to say yes to me flyign down to CT for two days to get dolphoin training, so that is really awesom, i am gettign more qualified. I also got confirmation on my linux and SQL courses, so i'll be able to test better. Phyl and i had a cute sms convo yesterday - i really like her, she is a good manager.

Willie and I are going thru a hard time, as are me and graham. I dont know what more to say here, i just wish i knew what to do and which way to turn. Graham and i are meetign for coffee after wing shun tonight. and i just wish i ... i dont know. i make my own life complicated (as every one keeps reminding me) i am scared of my future, and no matter which path i pick i will be unsure of the future. i can't continue hurtign him, and i know this. i am doign to him what gary did to me, and i thought about it last night, i can't continue breakign a man up because little louise can't make up her bloody mind! the emotions that are risign to the surface now are very hectic, and i can't control them

i must go updtairs to the testing room now. have a good day
i'll speak to you tommorow. think of me, pray for me, and hope that i find my path.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

My poem from your sister, dear diary. I hope you like it
=====================================================================================

I see Kerta in my dreams, dancing in my dreams.
His eyes glowing like embers of a fire
Long after the flames have died down.
His eyes piercing my soul, piercing my being Like a blade on the flesh of my life.

He moves to the beat of my heart
Moves to the whispers of my angels.
Staring at the star lit sky,
Searching for answers in the vast darkness Willing the Gods to feed him with the power that is his.

He holds his hands out to me, opening himself up to me My name, like honey on his lips, his eyes alight with love I come to him, I hold onto him We move like lovers, in a dance of love A dance older than time, a dance purer than tears.

His Kisses, like butterflies on my skin, Soft, filled with a tenderness only honesty can offer.
His need answers my own as we move together.
Giving myself up to him, giving him my all.
Naked under the moonlight, joined in the moonlight.

He is inside of me, filling me with every emotion.
The emotions of a long lost lover, now found.
He touches me, deep than skin, deeper than soul.
We go together, come together, feed off each other.
Pure Love. Pure Emotion. Raw to the touch, Addictive to the senses.

===============================================================================================

Trust me to leave my sparrign kit at hom on the day of my first proper lesson: thank goodnes it is obly at 7:30 so i have time to nip home and get it. I am feelign a bit drained this morning: not a good night of rest, i was coughing alot.

I can't write for long - i still have a ton to do.

Today will go better today.... i have tea :)

Good night - see you tommorow

Date:	2004-09-21 07:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Good morning my old friend.
Your paper companion was used for the first time last night. i am using her to write poetry in. one of the most simplest and most special gifts my father has ever given me. a small MoleSkin (it's a brand) notebook. she is to become the ramblings of a dreamer. I wrote my first poem in her last night after talking Kerta. words keep filling my head that i needed to get them sorted out, and written down. We had a wonderful talk last night. I listened as he poured out his feelings, his emotions, his life, and even tho some times i didn't understand, i am glad he did. He was right about many many things, and i took everything in, i didn't allow myself tocome melodramatic and turn the tables so the conversatin was about me. i will admit it was hard because i am a selfish person, but i wanted to know more about him, his world. something i dont think i have ever done before.

This weekend i was sick. sick in bed, and even dad tried his hand at lookign after me - which is always quiet fun. he makes a killer hot toddy :). I love him so much, he teaches me lessons every time we see each other and the way he takes such an interets in jakes, almost like a true father. he is such a special man, and i an honoured to call him father. my personal hero. I spoke quite openly this weekend to him, about what has been goign on in my life, and he was surprized at the honesty, something i am learning thru my conversations with Kerta, honesty is best, even if it hurts.

I spent some time with graham and sarah, they came round to drop off some muffins - they are the two sweetest siblings i have ever met. graham and i had a long chat about where i think my life is headed, and it was nice to sort out some of the kinks in my road plan. He is a good listener when it comes to noin emtional stuff.... still i wanted to tell kerta all of this.... strange how you miss the little things.

when you're sick you miss you mom and family so much. i miss my mom's herbal teas, and the way she rubs my back when i am sick. i miss her the most these days. i want to be a mom just like her.
she always thinks about if she made the rigth decisions with us kids... and i tell her that she couldn't have done a better job :) i love her. so much.

I must get to work now my friend. rest well, and i will do my best to be in early tommorow to type up the poem, i am sure you would liek to have it on your own pages.

"When love sees an obstacle it clears it, sometimes it may take a while, but love knows what is best, loves knows.

Morning diary.

Afraid it isn't a good morning, still feeling really sick and i am goign to the doctor at ten. i had to come into work to day to do the last important CC's. and then to bed i think.I have some really important emails to reply to, mostly from kerta. I am liking the emails. they are open and pure. healing and strength giving. i am capable of love, truth and purity. and dont you forget it :)

I am irratated. maybe i am being bitchy, maybe i am being biased cause i dont know the whole story. which most of the time i don't. but i am strugglign to believe some one. struggling to believe alot of what he says because his actions are showing me that he is lyign and lookign for attention. I myself was in his position, worse actually, and i couldn't fathom thinking like he does. As i said i am prolly being bitchy cause i am sick and hurt by this person. i'll get over it.

Dad is arriving tommorow, spending the weekend with him, can't wait. cabn't keep my eyes open either *sighs* i dont liek being sick.
i have to work now.
i am sorry i haven't written much, i'll write tommorow i promise.

Good morning my friend.
Todays morning gym session went slowly. tracey from work is now at the gym cause she needs a lift to work every morning: i am not sure i am happy about this cause it wrecks with my mental state, but once she is on her way and knows the equipment i think i'll start doign the loner thing again. i hardly pushed today to allow her time to get used to everything. but it is okay for 3 months, and then she gets her car. i hope.

I had a wonderful day yesterday, open, calm and i found the trust in some one i thought had been lost. it has been a while since i waiting in anticipation for emails to arrive: it was such a nice feeling. the openess and not having to hide anything was a new experiance for me, one which i like, alot.

I had a good wing chun lesson last night: i am very bruised tho... i think it was a mixture of my gym session and the sparring session last night (learning aplication) and then it was home, watched tv for the first time in ages and allowed myself a nice hot bubble bath. i fell asleep quickly after chattign to Kerta for a short time on the phone.

Today i hope to achieve a bit at work: i want to do at least 20 CC's before i leave, and my weight is 77kgs on the dot, so i am extactic. roll on 75 :) . i want to be 75 by the time i see dad on friday - i know it is a tight fit but i am really going to give it my best shot.

*stretches* i am going to have to push extra hard tonight at gym to make up for this morning. but thats ok - i am feeling empowered, and really confidant about myself, so roll on wednesday and give me your best shot :)

I'll chat to yout later, Diary, i have day to conquer

Date:	2004-09-14 07:26
Subject:	I now know i could never live alone
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

Good morning old friend, I hope you day went peacefully.

I house sat gary's place last night, cause his land lord Francois wasn't there either and they asked me to just make sure everything was ok. I had a double session at gym - got there at about 4:15 and worked out till about 7. it felt good, but i didn't gym this morning cause i have gym and wing chun tonight: i figured i needed the sleep in and i didn't sleep well. I got lonely last night. i watched dvd's, cleaned the kitchen, waters plants (francois plants are his babies) and got scared, lonely, fustrated, angry, jealous, relieved, joyful: and this all in one night. I am not cut out for living alone.

I did make my lunch tho, gary's food content is very healthy so i was able to make a pure protein lunch and not have to fry it. i weighted in at 77.45 last night, i want to see it i can drop that to 77 / 76.5 today.

Jealousy, an emotion i am not used to feeling. Strange being jealous of something i willingly gave away. it isn't right, and it is selfish of me. i know this. I get angry because of whatr i have done, and then i get angrty because i look at others and think - what would they know: but they look at me and say the same thing. strange how we act.

My dad is here this weekend. he isn't staying with me, but he has offered to get a double room so i can stay with him on friday and saturday night, which is going to be awesom: kinda like a family sleep over with the Cricket Board fitting the tab :). He is going to gym with me one saturday and come watch me at wing chun before going to comentate at the cricket: and i'll go to watch: who knows maybe learn some thing about my heritage. This does mean i can't take Kerta out for dinner on friday night, but i am hoping he will agree to see me on sunday.

My muscle are shaking atm, amazing how a good workout makes you feel strong and weak all at the same time. I sat listening to a few of the girls and guys at gym yesterday, how so many of them are feelign alone, or lost, or unloved: So we have offically formed the Lost Hearts Club. meetings every monday at 7:00pm - after all our work outs. it is funny how pain can unite. but next week we are goign to have cocktails at JB's Corner in melrose arch. Ruben (gay), vicki (straight), carine (straight), Kerry anne (engaged), mandy (straight), taki (straight), brent (gay), irlon (stright and maybe not so single after tonight) and a few others. it should be fun. i am looking forward to it.

i am yawning my head off atm, maybe breakfast will help.

Today's To Do list:
1.Finish warehouse CC's
2.Finish Store CC's
3. Ask Phyl to pick tracey up on monday
4. double check telkom ASDL installation
5. Double check car service and fix-her-up
6. stretch

I must be off, my friend, have a good day, and i'll speak to you tommorow

Battle cry? Battle Call? Battle Warrior. Yes Battle Warrior.

Good morning, my friend. Yes it is a good morning, a morning filled with power and strength, and a smile.
Gym this morning was awesom. i did achieve everything i set out to do. I even packed a very very healthy lunch! after gym i had my shot of wheatgrass, and my tea. good start to a good week

Yesterday i got all my work finished, and jakes and i spring sleaned the house. REALLY spring cleaned. scrubbed the floors and every surface, rewashed all the dishes, re packed cupboards and made an awesom dinner. it was a very good bonding session between us.

I had an awesom chat to Kerta last night (diago) and i fell alseep smiling.

I am takign tracey to the gym at lunch time so she can join: she will be catching a lift with me in the morning and she is gettign married soon, so she wants to look good. it'll be nice having a cardio partner to keep me motivated.

I did the whole Neo FLEX thing today at gym, and i am startign to get definition on my arms and shoulders. Vicki says my back is lookign CUT! BOUNCE. i also start sparring class this week. maybe i will finally get to spar with Andre (he is the top student who will be training us) and i have my first competition at the end of the year. I hope my friends come watch. Si Jeng is very proud of me, she says i am doing my best, and not quitting, it felt good to hear her say it.

i spoke tpo my sisters yesterday and they are all very happy, i miss them so much and i can't wait to go down in november. this weekend was very refreshing, spent alot of time with sarah and graham (sraha is his sister) and she even taught me how to blow dry my hair properly :)

Anyway i must work now
Have a good day my friend, dont flirt too much with the other journals :)

so much to do, diary, just so much to do :)
i got in at about 6am today, got about 40% done. i am really proud of myself :)
i am off to gym now and to have a nice healthy lunch at the gym then i am comming back to check changes that i have asked the guys to do.

I will get all this done and maybe be home in time for the 8:00pm movie.

*stretches* i need some R & R with the kitties and a book i think. maybe i'll take a day off this week - get my car fixed, maybe get the house into a decent state.

Well if i have time later i'll write again.

Date:	2004-09-10 07:15
Subject:	Velvet-Covered Steel
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Last night was interesting. today even more so. First a few apologies are needed,

Miktar: i was angry, i was hurt. and i am sorry. i know our friendship is basically over and it saddens me, but again this was my fault. i hope you are feeling better today. i wish i could have helped last night. but well done on defending yourself.

Diago: i wont try again, i am sorry if i bothered you yesterday. i get the message now.

Graham: i didn't mean to hit you, but you didn't block, i hope the bruise goes away and thank you for supporting me yesterday, i wouldn't have been able to walk without you there.

Essie: i am sorry i didn't call you this week, work turned bad and i dont have a weekend this weekend - i'll make it up to you next week, once work has calmed down.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I received an email from a an old friend: he had been asked to write about one of his friends, in a way no one had written about them before: and he chose me.
I am goign to paste a few lines from his email - they meant the world to me.

"The first time I met her, she was saving some one's life, she was covered in his blood, and concentrating on keeping him breathing. She looked up at me to shout an order of some kind, and all I saw was pain, determination, and a light that shimmered like moon light across rippled water. This is Louise, Velvet Covered Steel, a woman whose greatest gift is her abilty to put herself last, to offer her hand to any one in trouble, to save people who others don't think can be saved."

"She cries, but hardly ever because of her own pain. She is an empath. She feels every emotion in the world as if it was her own. She cries because of others are hurting, she cries for the people who can't. Her spirit is so big that it has touched every person she has every come in contact with. For those lucky to have been loved by her, you realise one thing: Louise can never be yours. She belongs to the world, She is their Angel."

"Louise makes mistakes, never small ones, always Huge ones. As much as she is good, she has a darker side, a side which has burned many people. A side I don't think she can controll very well, and this stems from her fear of being alone, and of commitment. Fear of being unloved, and loved. She is a contradiction. I feel sorry for the people who have been hurt by her, because she never does things in half measures"

"Her close circle of friends protect her like lionesses protect their young. They value her, care for her, protect her in the ways she can't do herself. I remember meeting a few of them, and she started looking unhappy about some one who had sat at the table (it was an ex-Boyfriend I think) and three of the other men stood up and dealt with it. She is strong, yet so weak. She is a super hero, yet a victim of her own abilties. She is some one I have been blessed to know, blessed to love, and blessed to have been loved by. Louise is a gift, she is to be treated as one."

................................................................................................

the rest of that email - i wont show her. this email came to me today: and surprized me completely. I am workign this weekend. so i have canceled my plans. oh well, all in the name of duty.
Wing Chun showed me a new side of me last night: and this email confirmed it. 21 days......

I hope every one has a wonderful weekend.

Date:	2004-09-09 07:48
Subject:	the link is still strong....
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Etera la Sompaione'
(good morning my companion)

Last night i had the house to myself. i sat out side, in my over sized jersey, and the tracksuit pants that i have from Kerta, i sat meditating, letting emotions run over me like water. i connected to all the people i love, each feeling their own world. i got struck by one emotional particulary, one of support, one of love, one that said "i believe in you, i believe in me" an endless loop of those words. i found myself filling my heart and soul with these words. and they gave me strength, hope. the person they came from, i dont think he realises we are still connected.

Yesterday was a horrible day at work: had a developer yell at me, and had my work questioned. was the first time i have ever felt unhappy at work, truely unhappy, to the point of tears - which came last night. i have found crying is my release, it can be for pain, hurt anger or joy but it is a release which i hold dere, cause it means i can flow.

Today i have a to do list: yes can you believe it :)
1. pay for car service to be done next week
2. get over those over due Change Controls
3. make tea for greg,
4. finish dance warehouse mock ups
5. finish jakes Logo
6. not cringe at wing chun during the puksa excersize.
7. make appointment with physio
8. work out next weeks new eatign and gyming program so it can be approved by Danni
9. email said plan to danni.

*looks up* and a cup of tea between each one :)

I feel stronger today: i didn't go to gym because my knees are really hurtign again, but i got up on time, and i had a nice drive to work: singing the whole way.

i think things are getting better. i have opened a few doors which i thought we locked and maybe, just maybe i can sort the little girl out once and for all.

good night, my friend, i'll speak to you tommorow.

Good morning my silent friend,

Some one made me smile this morning, his achievement (which has been long over due) i felt was part of me, and i am so proud, i wish i could show him. maybe one day i can. he is finally being pushed up, closer to the sky , closer to his stars, and he deserves it.

I saw gary last night, was very uneventful, strange how you can stare as this person and remeber who he has become. he talks about all these women in his life, and i sit there and wonder why he is searching so hard, and always choosing some one lesser than he is, is he that insecure? we rehashed a bit of our break up - a few unsolved issues, but then evening ended with me feeling a bit lost. this is a man i would die for.... one of three, and i wonder who he is sometimes.

Graham and i are talking. Si Jeh made us spar last night, and we both got a few good shots in, he asked me if maybe we could do coffee and sort out our friendship cause he doesn't want to loose me. it was sweet, i told him i was interested in takign things any further again tho. he said that he knew that.

Work is hell. pure hell. i am workign huge overtime (unpaid) to make deadlines, and it just keeps piling up. this weekend, i am goign to try stay at home and spring clean. i figured it would do my mental status good.

I miss him. god i am missing him so much. kerta, seleta kerta

The wind is so cold, it chills my heart - or as some ppl may say lack of heart.

I have spent the last couple of days fighting demons, fighting ghosts, fighting myself. I spent the weekend in Cape Town, i spent time crying in the arms of my sisters, laughing with my gran and mother, and relearning about my family: relearning my past.

With all that has happened, i have been stripped naked, and left cluttering around for cover: this weekend i found my cover, my center, my heart, because i think i lost my heart some where, and ppl got hurt because of it. I have never be known as tactful, and i seriously doubt i ever will.

I sat in my garden watching the sun dance across Table Mountain, and i began to think about who I am, what I am, and who could i be if i tried. The whole mess with Diago: the lost of three very special ppl, one which i am slowing patching things up with, but the other two lost to me: by my own hand so i have no one to blame but myself. maybe one day i can return? may, when i have fought my demons, laid to rest my ghosts?

I am still crying: still trying to find the strength to carry on. but i will get there: i tried reaching out, but i know the bridge has been burned so there will be no answer, but least i tried.
*looks down* i can't sleep, i am grinding my teeth down, and i shiver as if touched by an unknown force. maybe..... no maybe not.

Trevor asked me to go to a wedding with him in november: for the first time since i have become friends with him - he showed me his inner emotions, and let me in. i was touched. he needs me at this wedding for moral support, some one who can understand, some one to protect him: and he has chosen me. i hope i can go. i am talkign to my parents this week when they come up about helping me buy the ticket.

Ilata kerta..... words i have only spoken to one. words that are echoing. words that are stinging right now. no apology is good enough, no thank you is enough. nothing is enough.

Louise the destroyer. *laughs sadly* my sister called me that on sunday. i dont think she realised how close to the mark she was.

*looks down* anyway diary, i must go. i need to work, maybe have a cigerette, maybe lose myself in a dream world again: strange how i am day dreaming more and more.... *smiles sadly* maybe one day? sleep tight diary. i'll see you tommorow

This trip to CT has been perfect. i found it, i finally found it. my center, my reason, my motivation: i found it in the love of my family and my two best friends, tim and trevor.

To Diago: thank you for giving me this: this reason, the space to live and find myself, and the means of makign this weekend possible.

my JHB friends are acting strange today - but i will leave it till tommorow

It comes in three's. so i wait for the next person

First Ed
Then Ant (this happened a while back but gary only told me yesterday and the fact that she decided to take what i told her in confidance and tell every one - no wonder gary couldn't talk to me for so long)


yes i am a hypocrit for talking of betrayal. but you know what, it amazes me how they can tell your secrets that doesn't involve them and keep the other one that does.

do me a favour... if you are goign to start being honourable and telling the truth. tell the whole truth. THEN i would have respected you more, then maybe i would still want to talk to you. and do me a favour get your facts straight as well? dont bend it to your will. because yes you achieved what you wanted. i lost two ppl yesterday because of one person, the cowardly hero who bent the truth to cover himself.

nice.



very nice.

Arapaho - Butterfly Angel

I saw a fallen angel
She brushed across my dream
She didn't stay to kiss me
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
I wonder why she called me
Is it cause I'm old and weak
I wonder if it's time to die
To fold my wings and go to sleep

I'll see you
On a rainbow in the sky
I'llsee you
Reach down and touch this guy
I'll see you
On a rainbow in the sky
I'll see you
My beautiful butterfly

I've always been a wild man
But you don't seem to care
Your rainbow wings envelope me
And carry me through the open air
Right now my friends are crying
But brothers don't you see
There's more out there in rainbowland
For my butterfly and me

I'll see you
On a rainbow in the sky
I'll see you
Reach down and touch this guy
I'll see you
On a rainbow in the sky
I'll see you
My beautiful butterfly

.................................................................
this is a beautiful song: if u have a moment try get it. i listen to it about 25 times and Diago - i think you know why. *curls up on her cushion* in everything lies a lesson and a message, in everything lies an achievement. thank you diago for teaching this to me

Hear me, ye Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

You shall not ride today, nor any other day that I live. I will fight you, I will conquoer you. The time for weakness is over. The time of hiding is over. I may have lost sight of the road but know this, I am finding it again, and it is paved by strength, it is paved with love, it have been built before me by another, it has been built for me, no other.

No.

No more shall i quiver in fear of life and light, for once i shone, as brightly as the sun, and fear killed my light. No more.

You shall not enter here.
You shall not take me away again to your despair, for I have seen hell, masked in many cloaks, but none was so fearsom as the loose of my soul.

You shall not pass.
You shall not rule.
For I am here, I am standing against you, fighting you with every fibre of my being because I was lost, now, now I have my army, for now I have my strength, and I have a sheild that no man nor demon can penetrate.

Heed Me, Horsemen. For I am back, standing, fighting, living. Yes it will take time to achieve my past strength but it is happening, it is swirling within me gathering, growing, enhaling. and soon, soon, i will be more than they expected, more than than any one could have hoped.

I shall BECOME Shadane... in every sense.

So Hear Me, Horsemen, Hear Me. For this is the War Cry of one who can conquer, the War Cry of Shadane!

happy birthday miktar. i hope you had a wonderful night with willie last night. may this year bring joy, love and friendship in whatever journey you embark on

Nothing is final. something a gym friend of mine told me yesterday when i was telling her about my week. nothing is final, and love can continue across life cycles. she was telling me about her and her bf how they broke up last year because she was pretty much doing the same as me. she lost herself. and how when she found herself, she was able to be the woman he remebered and loved. i hope this happens with me.

i am helping Irlon my weekend gym partnber move tommorow, he called last night in tears, not knowing which way to turn, so i helped. and yes it made me feel much much better.

i have one of the personal trainers workign out a new schedule, and this weekend i am takign out for me. me and work yes but me. i am helping irlon tommorow, i am spending the morning at home on saturday and sunday i am going to go see one of my sisters friends who is a physio and an energy consultant, and she is goign to do some work on me.

I have been told i am goign to CT next weekend. thank you Kerta. i am gettgin excited. i am goign to see my family, timand trevor. and thats it.... no one else. i need to feed off their energy, their love, their pureness. i need to be home. and this is one of the most thoughtful gifts i have ever recieved.

Love doesn't dissapear. it just falls to ashes and rises again like a pheonix, love never dies, love never dies.